Days 47, 48, 49

It's a Saturday morning and the family is still sleeping. It's kind of nice to have the quiet house to my self. It allows me to think, and think about why I ended this week a little more on the gloomy side.

First fo all I want to mention Greg, who I never met, but heard so much about. He was the son of Diane, Zak's nanny. He died of cancer at the age of 41, leaving behind 3 beautiful young children. Life really seems unfair sometimes. I went to the memorial yesterday, and I'm sure that's part of why I feel so reflective. Kuba will be 41 in January.

But on top of that, last Friday I agreed to a two and a half hour meeting this Friday, and it's been on my mind ever since. I looked back, and I think I've only done this 3 times....so 3 times in 6 months doesn't seem that bad, but of course it's chaotic when I do it. The same day, I was pushed to rearrange another week for a meeting. This one isn't until Dec, so I have time to plan for it, but still...it means more rearranging. Luckily Dana was able to watch Zak this week, and he loves hanging out with Dana and Rowan...but it still basically meant my whole day with him was gone. I had to start out 45 minutes before the meeting to drop him off. Then when I picked him back up, it was nap time, and then I was gone again after to see Diane. I'm not sure how I felt about the outcome of the meeting itself, and so that probably hasn't helped me feel good about the compromise. Maybe the fact that also this week I had several 6am meetings, so couldn't have breakfast with the family, and worked very late Thursday (at home, but still meant my mental capacity wasn't on the family)...has contributed to me feeling like this week wasn't a great example of how to work less than full time.

But even aside from that, Zak and I didn't seem to have a great day on Tuesday either. He went to swim class, which is no longer really something we get to do together. We met Aunt Katie for lunch, which was nice. But then after, we both just seemed kind of lazy and bored. He likes to play his iPhone, which I don't mind, but this specific day, he even asked if he could just lay in bed and play with it. I think we both might have a bug still that we just can't seem to shake. Because as much as I hated the idea of him just lying in bed playing games for the afternoon...I also didn't have the energy to suggest something else, so I laid next to him and did the same thing.

One other interesting thing has happened this week at work. Remember I'm in a new group. Well, several women have just resigned. Most of them saying it was because they couldn't get the balance right...and suddenly, all eyes are on me. April, we need you to show how it's possible to make decisions like this and make it work. I guess I'm still internalizing what this really means, and feeling like if we are really focussed on one person (me), who is still only 6 months into this...then we probably do have a problem. There should be others that can also be an example. To be clear, in my whole company there certainly are examples...but we're struggling to find them in the group that I'm working in now.

Anyway, Zak does still amaze me. I do notice him becoming more and more independent, which makes me kind of sad, but of course happy too. We're still working on his room...and he has entered the phase of unending questions..."Mommy, what's this?", "It's a ladder.", "No Mommy, I know it's a ladder. What's THIS?" "Oh, sorry, it's the rung of the ladder." "Oh, the rung of the ladder? For stepping?" "Yup, for stepping." "Mommy, what's this?" "Umm, I guess it's called a brace" (the few rungs on the back side of a ladder) "Oh, a brace. For stepping?" "No, just to support the ladder so it doesn't break." "Oh, to support." And then, I felt he was testing me. He pointed to some of the trucks being painted on the wall. "Mommy, what's this?" "I think it's a crane" (but it's on the back of a truck, so I don't really know...) "No Mommy, it's a mobile crane." "And this one?" and without waiting for me to show that this one I knew, he said "this one is a steamroller." And then he went on to tell me all the different ones around the room.

He keeps trying to negotiate with me too. I've made the mistake of buying Thomas the Train toothpaste, only to realize it doesn't have any flouride in it. Unfortunately, he loves it, so almost refuses to use anything else. I've decided we can alternate every other brushing until it runs out. But every time I put the flouride toothpaste on his brush, he throws a fit. I try to tell him he's a big boy, so needs to use big boy toothpaste...he says, "No, I'm not a big boy. I'm a little boy." So then I tell him, but he has big boy teeth that are very strong and need flouride to help keep them strong. "No, my teeth aren't strong! I'm a little boy, and my teeth are not strong!" And then I hear Kuba cracking up in the other room.

One other cute one is he's gotten very good at looking out for cars when walking across the street or in a parking lot...so Thursday when we walked out of the daycare, another mom was getting into her car and he pulled me back and said "Be careful mommy! A car!" He also knows my, Kuba and his own full name, city and street! It is so cute to hear him call himself "Zachary Cielica." By the way, he also thinks Dana is "Dana Cielica." :-)

Anyway, Kuba and Zak are waking up...so guess I'll close it out for now. Remember to cherish all the time you have...life should not be taken for granted.